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.:Thursday, December 09, 2004:.
Recent Thoughts

For the last few months I have been deeply hoping to find a solution to my problems, or maybe just a clarification of the thoughts that have been invading my whole mind and body since my brains started to move, to think in a more energetic and intelligent way. It was not just their usual appearance while I was trying to concentrate during a chaotic and bothering disorganized class of geometry what amazed me, but my feeling of being analyzing everything that moved around me. I could even feel how the monotonous movement of a seesaw entered through my eyes, and followed my optical nerve into the deepest nook of my brain, and then, according to certain principles, laws, and theories that were already defined for me, the image was classified whether it was good or bad.
I know I should not have any of these flairs within me since I am nothing more than a young woman as common as anyone else, but just the fact having myself believing that I could do it, or even worst, that it was something inside me that pushed my mind to do it, started to worry me. As a result, I decided that I would use this new ability of my head to find out what my unconscious was looking for, what it wanted from me, and how could I take a better advantage of it in my daily life since I knew it could not be there without any apparent reason.

After several nights of thought and meditation, in which the constant factor was the sad trace that an awful event of my “not-so-good” day had left printed on my being, I found out that special condition with which I had been born, and that just since a few weeks before it had been fairly taking shape in my mind. I knew that it was the perfect moment for me to understand what was happening to me; I have now realized that a few days of delay from the date of my disclosure would have been fatal for my life as an intelligent and authentic human being, not just one of those who are being pulled every single day of their lives by a more powerful one, or by extremely meaningless things such as fashion or brands. I discovered the cause of my inconformity with the world and with those people that seem to be handling everything around them, or else, they believe it. My “problem” is that I hate the fact of being manipulated by anything that moves or that does not move. Now, I believe, I’m getting ready to fight for it.

I don’t believe that somebody has the right to be or to feel better or stronger than anyone else, therefore, I hate people yelling at me, giving me orders that I refuse to carry out, or treating me as if I was just another of their properties, those beloved properties of their own, that are no more but the trash that society nowadays is cramming into everyone’s already contaminated minds. I just can’t hold someone beside me that manipulates my actions, and insists in doing so also with my thoughts, what I feel sure nobody is going to alter.

Lately, I have been noticing my disinterest on everything that haves something to do with shopping and with those brazenly expensive brands that I thought were the best ones some time ago. I have been noticing that there is something that manipulates everybody’s minds and everybody’s pockets to benefit some designers or whatever they are, just because the have decided that something is on fashion or out of it. Is incredibly effective the way in which these established guides for how to dress well or bad enter the people’s “living standards” and just as if they were some kind of
robotic machines they run into the first famous store they see, and finding the object of their desire, and of the desire of a whole country or the world itself, they feel completely satisfied with their lives. It is a constant manipulation what is exercised on each one of us when we think or talk about fashion. I have discovered that unconsciously and involuntarily everyone seeks for the same things and this is why I detest fashion now; because it goes against my principles of authenticity and originality. I have recognized why I was always attracted to the things that were currently in stock, and this is because I wasn’t able to recognize my own likes and dislikes, or worst, I saw them reflected on those of everyone else.

Everyone’s interest on buyingcertain things just because they are made by famous brands, even though they are terribly expensive, works in a similar way as fashion does. It has become the constant of everyone to walk directly to the Nike Shop when they are looking for a pair of shoes, or to the store where everyone is buying clothes ultimately, and I really don’t understand neither their actions, nor their thoughts. I don’t now by now what is it that attracts everyone to these places, it seems just to be a magnetic force that exercises on their brains, and I really doubt if this force is represented by those coarse prices. Maybe they don’t realize what they are doing, or just have no time to look around them and see the poverty in which
sixty percent of the people around them live; maybe it is just another of the
various manipulations that this mercantile world has discovered to obtain
monetary benefit.

After having disclosed what was oppressing me before,and forcing me to eventually find something wrong in the society around me, Ihave discovered the clue for the happiness and the joy that invades myselftoday, since I am free of the noxious influences that were awfully dirtying mysoul and my personality before.


*Julie: la adoro.

Now playing: jam session at the Scheepmakerstraat 7. Best served with: Beer!


.:Lo wrote this at: 1:50 PM:.