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.:Saturday, February 05, 2005:.
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Asthenia



Living under the crescent moon.
By. Laura B.

I spent many hours looking at the sky, I see that, above all, the sky is never still. Always moving....Even on cloudless days, where the blue seems to be everywhere, there are constant little shifts, gradual disturbances as the sky thinns out grew thick, the sudden whiteness of planes, birds, and flying papers. Even in its blackness, the sky does not rest. Clouds drift through the dark, the moon is forever in a different form,ever changing, like a Joyless eye.
The moon, among the stars that have a different birth and the wind that continues to blow.
Sometimes a star settles into a patch of the sky and I as I look up I wonder if it was still there, or it had not burned out long ago....

A white wall becomes a yellow wall becomes a grey wall. The paint becomes exhousted, the city encroaches with it's soot, the plaster crumbles within. Changes, then more changes still.
This is me, still wondering out loud, wondering if this pain will go away and honestly... the sooner the better. Lonelyness is my one and only company that still hangs around, just like a metronome beating steadily inside the random noices of the nowhere and the everywhere, place where I consequely have to remain solely on my own surface, looking outward for sustenance. I'm just a lost soul that hasn't found a reason to be, my soul is on the wrong track, loneliness of the longdistance runner, my life is a game, solitariness enclosed in the universe I've created.

Desolated, left behind like some cherry old toy. Playing the game of stolen thoughts and silence in madness...
For every soul lost in this particular hell, there are several others locked inside madness, unable to exit to the world that stands at the threshold of their bodies. Even though they seem to be there, they cannot be counted as present.
Even if I were to be somewhere full of others, my soul still feels empty...
Just need to wait, my time it's still to come. Need to get some strength , keep things up and survive this hell I'm living in right now, capture my loneliness and give it to the devil as desert, make friends with the devil, that's always good...
Find my somewhere, my own everywhere, where we all belong, couse like someone said, we belong everywhere.
Give them what they need to recieve. Take the chance and make them feel hell in their eyes, make them struggle as I'm struggling, they are the aristocracy, the elite of the fallen. fuck'em.
Take out the flag...


Own mental coach:


Baudelaire: Il me semble que je serais toujours bien lá oú je ne suis pas. In other wordsL it seems to me that I will always be happy in the place where I am not. Or, more bluntly: Wherever I am not is the place where I am myself. Or else, taking the bull by the horns: Anywhere out of the world.

(Paul Auster- City of Glass.)
Do you recognize me? This is the first (thing I remember)
Now it's the last (thing left on my mind)
Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)
An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)
Where do we go (life's temporary)
After we're gone (like new years resolutions)
Why is this hard (do you recognize me?)
I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believing)


Songs, lyrics, chords... they all explain how my world has been spinning around like this.
judge for yourself.



Excuse me
But I just have to
Explode
Explode this body
Off me...
I'll be brand new
Brand new tomorrow
A little bit tired
But brand new.
(Björk)



-- years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
And I say hey....
And I say hey
what's goin' on
And I say hey....
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
Oooh....
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution...
(Four Non Blondes)


You know where I come from
You know what I feel
You're Yul Brenner Westworld
Reporting from the field.
I threw it into reverse,
Made a motion to repeal.
You kicked my legs from under me,
And tried to take the wheel.
I told you I wanted to be wrong,
But everyone is humming a song
That I don't understand.
Now I know that the sun has shined on my side of the street.
Mythology's seductive and it turned a trick on me
That I have just begun to understand.
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm Choosing my confessions
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries
(R.E.M)



All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know,
I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
(Matchbox 20)



I'm barely here
I wish I could explain myself
But words escape me
Down, down, down,
Pick me up I'm falling
Last night it came as a picture
With a good reason, a warning sign
This place is void of all passion
If you can imagine it's easy if you try
Believe me I failed this effort
I wrote a reminder this wasn't a vision
This time where are you Houston
Is somebody out there will somebody listen
Should I go back
should I?
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back
should I?
I hope I won't forget you
My head is made up of memories
Most of them useless delusions
This room is bored of rehearsal
And sick of the boundariesI miss you so much
(Blink 182)


This is it for today. please join us, tomorrow, at this time, same channel.
Now Paying: Show me Forgiveness (Björk)- Let My Fish Loose (Aphex Twin)- Cherry Coloured Funk (Cocteau Twins)- Poinciana (John Hassel & Ry Cooder & Jacky Terrasson)- Fuck The Pain Away (Soulwax)- What's going on?.Acoustic. (Four Non Blondes)
Best served with: a nap, beer and an ufo lamp.
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.:Lo wrote this at: 2:06 PM:.
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